You are in control.

February 18, 2017

I have spent way too long letting my body dictate what I do and more importantly, what I don’t do. Well no more! ✋
Control and my body have a complicated relationship.

Having had a chronic illness and multiple surgeries, I’ve not only lost control of my appearance thanks to the babies that adorn my stomach but I’ve lost control of my body, my actual limbs.

It’s so easy to not feel at home in my body because for most of my life it didn’t feel like mine. It’s not the same body that I grew up with. I have had parts taken out and many things put in. It’s not blood, muscles and bones. It’s plastic in my neck, it’s metal in my brain, it’s foreign objects.

I spent so long focusing on that. Focusing on what I couldn’t do, focusing on the fact I can barely do a plait in my hair without my shoulders giving way. Focusing on the fact I have no ab muscles because they’ve been cut through so many times.

But I stopped that 5 years ago and started to realise that there were still so many things that I COULD DO. I can walk, I can run, I can dance and I can bloody lift like a badass! And yet in the past few months, I have discovered I can do MORE than I ever realised. I started pushing the boundaries, I started paddleboarding, I started doing high intensity stuff and yes it was scary and yes at times it fucking hurt. Like, go see a physio 3 times a week, fucking hurt. But I adapted and kept going and this week, it really hit me.

I have taken complete and total ownership of my body now. Don’t you dare tell me I can’t do anything because I spent years listening to people telling me to “slow down”, “you are different, you need to be more safe than the other kids” and most of all “be careful, you might hurt yourself”. Yes I have physical limitations but I’m not a delicate flower. I am a working, living, breathing body which houses an unstoppable human with a soul that is ALIVE ⭐️️✨? #scarrednotscared