Fat rolls.

April 15, 2017

Here’s to posting all the pictures we hate.

My belly rolls were created for me when I was 7 years old… or at least that’s when I noticed them, and called them rolls.

My rolls were created by surgeons, not by fat.
They were created for my health, not in spite of it.
They were created for my survival, not for my beauty.

They don’t just exist when I sit but when I stand as well.
They are how I experienced the stigma of being fat, before I was fat.
They showed through my T-shirts and even my tankinis and whilst I could hide my scars, I couldn’t hide the rolls they created.

The deepest cut is the one at the bottom which is the accumulation of 5 surgeries. That was created when I was 11 when I had to have an emergency operation. They had screwed up my previous operation and my intestines were leaking into my abdomen. My dad was called and told to fly over instantly, just in case I didn’t make it.

And yet when I look at this scar, all I can think about is how my heart broke when I put on a T-shirt for the first time. I stared in the mirror and cried. I had already had 9 surgeries before that one, but this one couldn’t be hidden. “I’m never going to be beautiful again”

I had been in a hospital for 3 months, and hadn’t been allowed to leave yet the day I was allowed to, I didn’t want to go in that t-shirt because I was embarrassed. I was so scared of looking fat, that I would rather stay in hospital another day, than leaving in that T-shirt.

And that is what the fear of fat is about. THAT is why I fight the fear of fat. THAT is why I will always fight the fear of fat, whether I am fat or not. #scarrednotscared